Santa Inc Saved From Bankruptcy

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Environment, Humor

Reports last week that Santa Inc is having its loans called in by Global Bank have been confirmed by a company spokesman. Speaking to MetalMiner Mr S.T. Nick said, “We were fine while we operated on a purely voluntary basis, our costs were low and we received a small annual revenue share from the postal service for all the business we generated for them which was sufficient to cover our overheads. But since we were brought out by the private equity firm Flipem Capital we have been so loaded up with debt to fund expansion in Asia we have found we cannot sustain cash flow commitments, particularly as our clients are sending in requests by e-mail instead of letters, cutting our traditional revenue stream.

A spokesman for Global Bank, main creditors to the firm, was more critical, “Santa Inc is operating a flawed business model; they buy all these raw materials, and take on staff to make products but then give it all away. We told them you have to start charging a market price or you will go bust, advised Aloysius Fortescue-Smyth head of Corporate Finance in the firm’s London office. “We commend their admirable work ethic, delivering millions of presents around the world in one night has made them a potential take-over target for certain major courier companies. An option the bank’s M&A department is rumored to be working on with various interested parties.

Mr Nick went on to say all was not lost, the firm approached world renowned metals consultants Aptium Global and although outside of their normal sphere were given what may prove life saving advice. Aptium recommended the firm leverage its client base to lobby EU decision makers in Brussels; it is a well known fact that Santa Inc’s clients have their own unique method of pressuring parents that makes then an extremely effective lobby group. As a result, the firm has just been granted free carbon credits due to the methane their transport system generates which Santa Inc has been able to sell on the open market creating a new revenue stream. So lucrative is this arrangement that the firm is not only expected to shortly pay down its loans but is investing in manure digesters for its Reindeer herds that will generate electricity. Excess power will be sold back in to the grid at subsidized rates further supporting future revenue streams.

“If it wasn’t for Aptium we would be facing foreclosure said a gnome recently transferred into corporate communications for Santa Inc “the bank had already listed our assets for disposal. In fact the corporate deer stalking event was scheduled for next weekend, Rudolf will be relieved.

–Stuart Burns

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