Why You Should Never Put Hippies In Charge of Major Infrastructure Projects

by on

As we’ve followed the Caltrans/Bay Bridge project debacle (the San Francisco Chronicle’s reporting has been very good), we’ve decided to have a bit of fun at the expense of those who have massively screwed up (NO PUN INTENDED! But I’m leaving it in).

So without further ado, a poem:

O Caltrans, poor Caltrans

The transport agency that must take the fall

For shoddy sourcing of shoddy workmanship

For a bridge that in no way could hold all

The cars that would be driving on the sparkling new expanse over the Bay

Come Labor Day.

Hark! Oh hark – what’s that we hear?

Must we now steer very clear

Of the Sept. 3 opening date upon which many a construction worker’s career

Had been staked?

Yes, indeed, that appears to be the case,

As the steel rods used in the bridge couldn’t support the race

To the project’s finish – turns out,

They couldn’t support much of anything, let alone the suspension,

For it was the retention

Of simple rainwater that the rods

Could not handle.

Why is that, you may ask?

Well, a Caltrans spokesman claims there was a “paperwork” problem

With the bolts, in the way Dyson, the supplier, made them.

Maybe, Caltrans, your “paperwork” problem

Wouldn’t have been such a problem

If you’d just work on giving your rolling papers a rest.

Hold on there, pal, you may say to us, “That’s unfair!”

So let us be the first to clear the air.

The problem began with the original supplier in Ohio,

Which, my oh my-o,

Farmed out the heat-treating work on the rods to a firm

In MetalMiner’s backyard. That’s right, turns out

TC Industries “overbaked” the bolts.

Instead of making them more pliable,

It’s now simply undeniable

That the bolts weren’t the only ones suuuuper baked.

Not to worry, though,

Cuz as we all know, bro,

After you smoke a bowl, what is time anyway?

Sept. 3 may come tomorrow,

Or it could take what feels like forrrevvveerrrr yo…

Yet the bridge (and its hasty contingency plans) are here to stay.

But the ultimate takeaway here? Don’t be a dolt

By leaving the heat-treating and sourcing of bolts

To Bay-Area (and Chicagoland) hippies.

***

Conflict Minerals compliance programsDisclaimer: This poem is to be read satirically – any/all ‘assumptions’ contained therein are not based in fact, so don’t even think about suing us. We have enjoyed taking the stereotypes of NorCal/Bay Area culture and applying them here with love, not malicious intent. (Incidentally, 4/20 tomorrow y’all!) Enjoy your Friday! 

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